Infertility is a hard subject to discuss and many that experience it suffer in silence.
This is my story...
It is so hard to bring up the subject with family and friends that had no problem conceiving only for them to tell you... it will happen in time, are you doing it right, you know you have to be... blah, blah, blah. As one who suffered from it- I didn't NEED anyone to tell me how to try and make it happen. I needed support, prayers, just quiet being there. Yes, we know how to make it happen. I guarantee I know more about my body, how it is working, what part of the cycle I am in and what exactly is happening, than most any women out there who decided- I want to get pregnant and bam it happens without any help. Sometimes you can do everything right and it just doesn't work! Over and over and over again
I didn't share my struggles with anyone for a long time. I felt like a failure as a woman. No one in my family or extended family had ever struggled with infertility. It is something that consumes your whole life, your mind and happiness. Everything becomes routine and calculated. Getting up at 4 every single day of the week to temp, taking multi\prenatal vitamins, taking specific vitamins to help you be fertile, marking your chart every afternoon, seeing the dip in temps and holding your breath for the next two weeks to see if they stay up, feeling bad when you start cramping, crying when your period comes and then the week of depression knowing your body let you down once again. Month after month after month.
As the time goes by, you think it will never happen and get stressed out which in turn messes up your body even more. "Just relax" they say and I want to scream- Just relax? You can't even begin to imagine what I am feeling and you tell me to just relax??? Our marriage was tried. There were many nights I would just cry in bed and Eric would do nothing but hold me. There was no senseless- It will be oks- because honestly who really knew if it would. He is such a good man, he somehow knew just what I needed. When to talk and when to stay quiet.
The doctors say it can take a normal healthy couple a year to conceive, that first year passed and my attitude turned more bleak- an appointment was made. I was having a very hard time talking to anyone and withdrew into myself. There were so many people becoming pregnant, even in our small family, I was happy for them I really was. I would never grudge anybody the joy of having a child, even if we didn't, life goes on and that is the natural process. But it hurt, it hurt bad. Maybe we could adopt started to turn in my mind. I have always had a heart that was open to adopting regardless if we had children or not. There are so many babies out there that need to be loved. The holidays started getting close and I am increasingly sad all the time. I just can't help it, I can't pull out of this funk I am in. Eric and I decided even though we were going down South for Christmas, we (prob really I) needed to have a break from everything. We went to Rapid City to a quaint little cabin and rested, relaxed and did the little tourism places. It was nice! I felt rejuvenated and even happy knowing that I could\would get some answers the next month.
Christmastime we drove to South Carolina and saw our families. It was so nice to be around our parents and enjoy the nieces and nephews. While there I saw my OB\GYN I had been going to 10 years prior to moving back to ND. She talked to us, ordered some blood work and gave us some options based on what the blood work would say. Several days later, gave blood. We decided to clean out our storage facility and take our belongings with us so that occupied my mind and time for the next week. The results came back and we are told I will NOT be able to get pregnant without help. Devastated! Eric and I had already discussed the options and decided we would NOT do any kind of fertility medicine. It wasn't worth the risk for us and there were other ways we could add to our family.
January rolls around. I felt different- tired, exhausted. I told Eric, I don't know what it feels like to be pregnant, but if Dr. ___ hadn't just told me it's impossible; this is what I imagined it would feel like." My period was late and hope arose. I mean, could they be wrong??? Does the blood work lie? I waited a week and bought tests. Took the first one at night (something they tell you not to do right on the box, but hey!) and it was instantly positive! Disbelief! Showed E and we just stared at it... Decided to take another the next day and see if that thing was faking us out. Another instant positive! If you can imagine-our minds start spiraling out of control. Is it really seriously possible, it was just weeks before they told me it wasn't. I called the office that day. They had the same thoughts and also told me "No, it is very unlikely you would be pregnant". My levels were way, way to low. But they order a test just to see... more blood work. So I go after work and have some blood drawn. It took a WEEK to get the results back!! Since the order came from SC they had to wait for it, then fax everything back and the office wasn't receiving what they were told was faxed. UGH!! If I thought that those months of tracking and waiting was an emotional roller coaster, what was this? The hoping and being scared to have too much hope was terrifying! They finally called with a "Congratulations! Your HCG is 3100. Because your levels are so low, we need to start you on medicine ASAP!" Thankfully Eric was by my side when they did call and could hear the news. As if a huge weight had lifted off our shoulders and we were light as feathers we flew together and held each other. Our journey of starting a family had finally begun!
It was a surreal time. It felt like we were walking in dreamland for awhile until we got to see that little baby and heartbeat at 6 weeks. Our hearts were full and overflowing!!
Jesus is so good to us. I just can't say it enough. He knew we wanted a family so bad, but we did have to wait on His timing. It is so hard to focus and believe any of that during the trying times and I very often lost sight of everything but my own selfishness. It was worth the wait. Zane was worth the wait. Our marriage is so much stronger now, our love is so much deeper and we love this boy with all of our heart! I wake up every morning thanking Jesus for this boy and end every day thanking Him.
No comments:
Post a Comment